Loosing Myself
by Ladysunshine6
Summary: Prequel to 'Ain't Easy in the Big Easy'. After the hellhounds ripped Dean to shreds, Caitlyn endured during her time in Dallas psych ward that Sam put her in. This story will explain why he did that, how she meets Alex. Sorry about the summary; I know it's not the best. WARNING: mentions of sexual content, self harm, language. Warnings will be in the given chapters. AU post 3x16
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello my fellow readers! This will be a prequel to my first fanfic, 'Ain't Easy in the Big Easy." This story will follow Caitlyn between the times when Dean was sent to Hell to the beginning of Season 4. This will answer some questions as to why she was there, who Alex is, why she seems so distant from Sam in my other story, etc. I hope you enjoy it. It may take some time, but I hope you like to read it.**

 **Warning: there are mentions of sexual content, mentions of self harm (among other things), language. I will send out warnings in the chapters that they will occur in. If there is a particular chapter you do not want to read, please feel free to skip it to the next chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that belong to Supernatural nor the idea for the ending of Season 3 or beginning of Season 4. That all belongs to Kripke. I do own Caitlyn Winchester, Alex, and any other OC as well as original plots.**

 **Please feel free to read and review. I would love to hear what you have to say about my work. Your honesty means a lot to me.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here is the very first chapter of the prequel!**

 **Disclaimer: Characters and canon belongs to Kripke! Caitlyn Winchester, Alex, and original story plots are my idea.**

 **This chapter takes place seconds after Lilith left Ruby's meatsuit in _No Rest for the Wicked (Season 3 Finale)._**

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 **Caitlyn's POV**

 _This can't be happening. This can't be happening_ , I kept saying to myself over and over again as I was still on the floor as Lilith released me and my twin. I watched as Sam cradled my big brother's dead body, crying out the loss of our brother. I needed to get over to where they are, but every time I moved, I felt this numbness and pain through my body. _Fuck_ , _this hurts_ , I screamed in my head, but I need to get to him. I need to see him.

As I came up to them, Sam's cries were more painful up close than the few feet where I was before. And there in front of me was my brother's body all chewed up and ripped apart. I looked around and saw all the blood, his blood, around him as well as being spread out all over the room. His eyes were open and glassy as there was blood misted on his face. This was not Dean, I reassured myself, my brother, Dean, had a spark in his eyes; not…nothing.

As painful as I reached up my arm, I felt my hand fall softly on his face. With that, I closed his eyes, and fell on top of him and I let it all out. I was probably crying like a little bitch, but I don't care. I just lost another family member. I lost dad a couple years back, and now I lost my big brother. I yanked on his torn clothes, hoping he would push me off of him, but…nothing. I felt a hand on my back, and I recognized those big hands. The sensing of my twin being beside me had a little bit of a relief, but the pain didn't go away. I raised myself up, and brushed strands of my long hair away from my face. I sense that my face was all stiff from the tear stains. I felt another round of crying heading my way. The images of Dean being torn apart and his blood being scattered across the room while his screams…his screams…I have never heard him scream like that. I remember him screaming and I lay back down with my head on Dean's still chest, and then darkness consumed me.

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 **A/N: I'm so sorry that this is a short chapter, but I wanted you all to get the idea of where Caitlyn is coming from. I hope you all like it.**

 **Don't forget to read & review. Also, add it to your favorites or follow along if you want to know when the next chapter is posted.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for the long wait that felt like it was infinity, but I wasn't feeling like myself and I was lost on what direction to take this prequel. But rest assured, I will be updating but not as often.**

 **I do not own anything Supernatural. It belongs to Eric Kripke. I only own Caitlyn Winchester.**

 **I give credit to the Old Testament Psalm 23 verses 1-6 that I used for this chapter.**

 **I was tearing up writing this chapter. Just get a box of tissues with you.**

 **Please read and review.**

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I was telling my eyelids to open, but my heart was telling me otherwise; to keep them shut. I forced my eyes to open, even though I didn't want to. I just didn't want to envision Dean's bloody body haunting my mind. I woke up and found myself in the room I sleep in whenever I stay at Bobby's. I mentally told my body to move, but once again my heart was telling it something different.

I just want this to be a nightmare, I begged. I just want to see Dean in the salvage yard taking care of the Impala. I want to hear the clinging of metals from the tools to make my ears ring. But it was silent. I cried in silence so Sam and Bobby won't hear me at all. I'm just hoping they won't find me. Dean is gone, and he's not coming back, I told myself. My brother and best friend gone.

I could hear arguing downstairs. I numbly got out of bed and put my shirt on. Whoever put me here didn't want to take my shirt off from last night. I could still see the mass of dry blood on my clothes. Thanks for the reminder guys, I scolded in silent.

I walked slowly downstairs to see what the hell this was all about.

"I WANT HIM BURIED, BOBBY!" Screamed Sam.

"HE'S A HUNTER AND HE WOULD WANT TO GO OUT THE HUNTER'S WAY!" Bobby shouted right back.

"Stop it." I muttered, but no one was listening to me. The volume was rising, and I looked somewhere else only to find Dean's shredded form in the back of Bobby's pickup. Visions of last night came back, from Dean screaming in pain to cries my twin and I shed.

"STOP IT NOW!"

Sam and Bobby turned abruptly my direction with shocked looks.

"My big brother just died for God's sakes! I want a say in this...I literally still have Dean's blood on my hands," I showed him my blood-stained hands and my clothes, "I know he would want to go out the traditional way, and I say screw that because he has no say in what he wants anymore." I could feel the tears burning my eyes before they fell. I want to bury him. But I'm not doing it for you, Sam. I'm doing this because it's normal. For once, I WANT NORMALCY!"

With that, I ran to the truck to be with Dean. And the cries came out.

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"Hey Caitlyn." I heard someone call me as they shook my shoulder. _Did I fall asleep?_ I thought.

"Dean?" I said, out of tiredness.

"No, it's me." My eye sight adjusted, and I saw Sam. "It's time."

My heart tightened as I knew what he meant...time to bury our brother.

I got a shovel from the back of the truck as I caught a glimpse of Dean. _He looks so pale_ , I told myself _, all that life he once had and gave to the world is gone. A true hero was taken from this world and no one will know what he has done for his family, for strangers, for anything._

I had to force myself to the wide open space where it was the greenest. I started to dig, and I kept digging harder and faster. It felt like my anger that I've been holding in for almost a year is being taken out on this piece of earth. I was mostly mad at Dean for leaving me alone now. Yeah, I have Sam, but I'm worried of what he's going to do now.

The grave was dug up, and I found two pieces of wood and I got some twine from the back of the truck and made a unmarked cross.

Soon, the guys came towards me carrying a pine box.

This was it, my final goodbyes to Dean. _God, I'm not ready for this._ I prayed, _it should have been me, all this time. God, couldn't you just have me switch places with Dean._

Bobby and Sam lowered him in the ground. Bobby and Sam were about to grab the shovels when something inside me exploded.

"Wait." I said, I went inside the big whole I buried and I opened the lid. I saw Dean and out of nowhere I started praying. "the lord is my shepherd; I shall not want: he maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me besides the stilled waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."

I placed a kiss on his forehead, and I lifted his head up ever so gently. I took his amulet off and then I went and picked up his right hand. I slipped his silver ring off his finger, and I placed a kiss on his hand. I rested my head on his hand. I didn't want to let go. I was hoping a miracle would happen like in the movies, but nothing happened.

"Darlin' time to go." Bobby softly told me. I looked at my brother one more time, and I heartbrokenly placed the lid back onto the box. bobby reached his hand out to me, and pulled me up and into a hug. I looked at Sam to see if he was okay, and there was something in his eyes that worried me, this look that was telling me that he was angry.

"He's in hell, Caitlyn." He finally said putting the dirt over Dean's grave, "That prayer was pointless."

Shocked by what just came out of his mouth, I knew that things were doing to be very different now.

How different? I'm not even so sure.

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 **A/N: I will be updating "Ain't Easy in the Big Easy" very soon. I wanted to get this chapter done first because the next chapter for that story involves the prayer. Once again, please read and review. I would love to hear what you all have to say. And I'm terribly sorry for the extended wait for this story.**


	4. Author's Note

**A/N: Hello readers! I'm sorry for the delay. This is not an update for this fanfic...**

 **I have been having really bad anxiety, and I want to take care of myself before I continue with this story. I'm so sorry that I haven't been updating lately. I hope I'm not letting any of you down. I'm not ready to continue with Caitlin's time on the home while Dean was in Hell. I will be updating my other stories soon,** ** _Hunters with a Badge_** **and** ** _Ain't Easy in the Big Easy._**

 **While you can, please check out my friends fanfics: Amyytayy14's** ** _Emily Anne_** **and** ** _Healing Sara;_** **and LorettaLauren93's** ** _Bad Company_** **and** ** _Strike Back._** **These writers are incredible at writing these stories. Please leave them reviews.**

 **Thank you everybody, and don't forget to Always Keep Fighting and Love Yourself First as Jared would say. And I read that Season 13 will start up on October 12.**


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